the unsuccess coach part 2: Don’t suck dick
Disclaimer: the story I tell below was my experience, but by no means does it indicate that all corporate entities are toxic or unhealthy. By no means is one conversation representative of an entire organization. I did, however, find that this conversation was a prelude to what my larger experience with this company ended up being over the course of 2 years in the C-suite.
Picture this with me: I’m at my first CEO leadership conference for my company. (I’d been a part of this company for a combined total of 8ish years, but never did I think I’d be there as part of executive leadership. I was beyond giddy with excitement and anticipation. I wanted to learn everything and meet everyone.) I find myself surrounded by lots of suits and straight hair. Not many are showing any signs of individuality or flair. And every woman had on pantyhose. This really should have been my first sign that things were not ok. Instead, I say to myself, “You’ve got this Myers. Just sit back and observe. You’ll find your people.”
Later, I found myself at a mixer, sitting at a table with 5 or 6 other female CEOs and after I adjusted my pantyhose, I asked the question: “What advice would you give a brand new CEO?”
Her answer without a moment’s pause, “Suck dick.”
Every woman’s head at that table nodded in agreement. My brow furrowed. Did I hear her correctly?
She went on, “Look around this room. There are mostly white men. Fragile white men who need to be treated like gods. So when a VP is in town, you roll out the red carpet. You do whatever it takes.”
I sat there looking at them, waiting for thought to re-enter my brain. I was dumbfounded. But each woman took a turn to describe their version of sucking dick in order to “successful.” I was hoping for “this report really helped me” or “stay true to yourself” or “give yourself time to find your groove.” I was not expecting to be told to suck dick.
These were not my people.
This same CEO went on to win several awards the next evening for greatest profit margin year over year, impressive progress with capital projects, most KPI improvements, etc, etc, etc. Had I not met her the night before, I would have looked at her with respect and the motivation to be more like her. On the outside, she appeared to be crushing it. But I would have been fooled as looks can be deceiving and success has many definitions.
I don’t believe she meant it literally and I can assure you I never experienced any overt sexual harassment or was ever put in a situation where I felt threatened to do anything sexual. But the ease with which she said it and the group collective that agreed with her helped me clearly see the toxic culture with two little words. I could go in several different directions here. I could focus on the culture of a behemoth company. I could focus on the whiteness and fragility of the men in that room. But ladies, I need to focus on us.
I don’t love rules, but I’m about to provide some rules that we all need to follow. Not just as women, but as human beings.
Never is it ok to tell another woman to demean herself in order to get ahead. (no pun intended ;)) Whether you are in a leadership position or not, this is not ok.
We do not tear down. We lift up or we excuse ourselves from the table.
Never shame another woman to feel like she needs to wear pantyhose.
Don’t suck dick in your professional life. (I don’t care what you do on a personal level ;))
I learned that evening that I likely wouldn’t be able to achieve success as they saw it. And I hope every girl/woman who reads this knows that if someone defines success in a way that is incongruent with who you are, you have permission to a be an epic failure. And I will celebrate you every time.
**Note: there are women in executive leadership positions who are nothing like the women described in this post. They have integrity, they are respectable, they are kind. Find those women. Ladies in leadership, be those women.