the unsuccess coach part 1: be seen

This may be a touch controversial and some might say it is terrible marketing, but I am really digging the title of “Unsuccess Coach.” Not sure I’ll go so far to brand myself this, but the idea has stuck with me for quite awhile. It might be time to give it some merit. Let’s unpack.

Why do we go to therapists and coaches? To overcome something, to get help with something, to learn what you need to work through so you can stop X behavior and the next part is that you’ll likely be happier, feel better, or have more success. etc. Some people go to therapy to maintain the gains they’ve worked hard for. Some will even be enlightened enough to go talk with someone as an act of prevention (whaa??!!!) to try and avoid the really hard stuff or get a support system and coping skills in place for when the really hard stuff comes. This blog is not likely for you uber enlightened, way ahead of the game peeps. Prevention is for overachievers. (kidding, of course!! way to go, healthy people!) But this is more for the “I’m tired of trying things that don’t seem to work and I want to feel relief” kinda guy or gal who strives for something different that just seems to elude them. I see you. I am you. And when we get open and honest about how hard the struggle is sometimes, we encourage and attract others to do the same. You see, shame tells us to stay quiet about our failures, struggles, challenges. Shame whispers, “Don’t show that part. If people see that part, they won’t love you. And if they know the truth about you, they will leave you, and you will be all alone. You failed and you better keep quiet about it so no one knows the truth.” So of course we hide. We pretend. We use filters and go to extreme lengths to cover the parts of us that threaten one of our most basic needs in life: connection and acceptance. Going against this grain is like being told not to breath. It feels impossible. But what if…what if we all were encouraged to show the mess? to be honest and vulnerable? Sure, we can still share the victories and cheer each other on for crushing it. That is still incredibly important and will still be a great motivator for many. And frankly, it isn’t mutually exclusive; we don’t have to stop sharing the good just because we are being encouraged to also share the messy.

And then, what if we found that some of our greatest strength is in our vulnerability and our willingness to deconstruct what we view as success. That vulnerability is where the true connection and acceptance enter in. I’ve written before about redefining success and checking in with where and who made those rules that so many feel compelled to live by. Here are a few of my favorites that I like to challenge and will no longer live by or encourage anyone else to live by:

Go to college. Don’t have gaps in your resume. Look like everyone around you. Don’t make a scene. Don’t emote too much. (I actually had a VP say this to me after a very heated conversation where I got passionate about defending my staff. Another VP on the call expected me to say, “yes sir” and keep moving. Those in this particular c-suite (all white men) really needed some EQ training as my appropriate passion and advocacy fell on deaf ears that then became fragile ears. I digress.)

I had a session recently with a woman who took a picture of herself coming out of work at 3am with the caption “working hard.” She got so much positive reinforcement for that post on social media. “You’re incredible!” “You can do it!” “I’m so proud of you!” The messages were meant to be supportive. But the message she heard and what reinforced her lack of self-worth is that she needs to be working all the time or she isn’t incredible and people won’t be proud of her. As an “unsuccess coach” I’m having her redefine what success really looks like for her and its a struggle to get her to come out of the box she’s been placed in for 30+ years. I’m asking her to unravel the dogma and litany of rules and regs she’s known for a lifetime. Anything less than working until 3am on the reg is perceived as failure. And she can’t keep up. It’s killing her. But the threat of failure keeps her running like an effing hamster on a wheel to nowhere but self-destruction. Why are we so caught up in success as a culture? Why do we value this imbalance to maintain the status quo so much? Why are we willing to lose ourselves so that others will think highly of us? What will it take to get off the hamster wheel?

I don’t have all the answers. And it’s important to stay curious while trying to find the answers that are true for you. We can become harsh and critical when trying to make sense of things that just may never make any sense. If your inner critic is on a mega-phone, get curious about what she is afraid of. And then have compassion for her in that she merely wants to protect you. She is misguided in her attempts to protect you, but you can show compassion all the same.

And don’t forget that it only needs to make sense for you. We create our reality and set the rules. We define success and decide what defines us.

If I were your unsuccess coach, the first thing we would do is identify what is working for you and what is not. Then we would begin the excavation of your dogma. Who set the rules and put you in a box? Who has the power to redefine the rules and unlock the box? (Spoiler alert: its YOU!) How can you nurture the inner child that holds onto the ways of your past out of fear? Are you aware of how powerful your thoughts are? And how you can do some simple (didn’t say easy) work on the wounds of the past so they no longer control your present?

You can do hard things. Shine bright and be seen. I believe in you.