Year 3
Three years ago my husband and I were returning from a beautiful vacation in Hawaii. The pictures are incredible. A great time was had.
I just wish I remembered more of it. I’m grateful that a lack of memory is my biggest consequence of being an alcoholic.
For those who might be reading about this for the first time, I’ll share a bit of context surrounding that time. I was 4 months into being CEO at a facility I loved dearly. (I hesitated to put that in past tense, but there it is.) I had made it, y’all. Me, a social worker from Indiana who literally thought $35k would be the max salary…ok $45k if I was lucky, was now the Chief Executive Officer at the facility I had clinically and professionally grown up in. Quite ominously, when I got the promotion, someone said they weren’t sure whether to offer me congratulations or condolences. I was hoping for the former; turns out it would be the latter.
I began to lose myself in the work right away. We were going through a lot as a facility: internal audit (normal), a litigious scandal (pre-me, not normal), and moving locations. I was 35, at the top of my game (I thought), eager, motivated, and I loved that place and those people. At times I really felt like I could do anything.
Except stop drinking once I’d started. Hi, my name is Katie and I am an alcoholic. The black-out binge-drinker type. I can go many months with no alcohol. No cravings, no desire, no nothing. But get one drink in me and I am off to the races.
I’m not sure why I was so lucky to be struck with sanity and the desire to stop drinking while we were making our trip home from Hawaii. I’m forever grateful that I’m a high bottom drunk. I didn’t lose a job, my family, or get into legal trouble….yet. I do believe that if I go back to drinking or had I not stopped, I would have many consequences that are far worse than not remembering a lovely vacation. There were points during the vacation where I could see the writing on the wall. I’d wake up (hungover) and promise myself I wouldn’t drink that day. But then I began sneaking my husband’s drinks. I lied, saying I forgot something in the car so I could go down and get another drink at the bar. I was pre-occupied and obsessed with when it would be ok for me to drink again. I was spiraling and losing control and knew it.
I had a long chat with myself while waiting for our flight home. I had my last drink on that red-eye flight on the 15th and asked for help on the 16th. I’m no stranger to the recovering community, but this was new. This felt different than my recovery from food addiction. I picked up a white chip from a man who had 36 yrs sober. He gave me the biggest hug and said it was the only white chip I ever needed to pick up if I wanted.
I drank that way in Hawaii because I’m an alcoholic. And also to deal with the pressure and stress of my new position. The incredible gift I’ve gotten over the years has been working with really successful professionals who have done the same thing and landed in treatment as a result. I knew how the story played out if I kept drinking. Thank God I knew how to ask for help.
I got the opportunity to confront my workaholism over the following 2 years and eventually left the CEO position because I couldn’t stop hearing the song “Cats in the Cradle” by Harry Chapin. “…..little boy blue and the man in the moon…when you coming home dad, I don’t know when…” Oh, those words haunt me. I missed a lot of my son’s life during those 2 years. He would ask me when I was coming home or why I had to work so much. I believed what I said when I told him I worked so much so that I could give him a beautiful life. But that was only part of it. More on that in a different post, perhaps. The point is, I get to do whatever work on myself that pops up because I am sober today. I get to show up and be room-mom because I am sober (and also did work on my workaholism). I get to do and have clear memories around some of the most amazing moments with my family because I am sober. I get to live life because I am sober. The last 6 months have been a particularly difficult time for me, but I get to get better because I am sober.
One day at a time.
We can do hard things.
Keep coming back.