Why now?
9.21.21
The hubs asked me this question last night as we were discussing treatment options for my depression. The darkness was closing in. I had a list of reasons why now and also no real reason for why now.
Why not now?
If not now, when?
The truth is, there is a rarely a good time to put your life on hold so you can hold onto your life, yet I believe in the paradoxes that accompany many healing aspects of life.
I’ve been here before and opted to power through it (high functioning depression is a beyotch, also read, my ego is a beyotch), white-knuckling it and hoping that ‘this too shall pass.’ My depression can be relentless; invading my space, sucking all the air out of the room, telling me lies. I’ve wanted to cry “uncle” and tap out several times in the past. For some reason, I decide to speak up this time.
Why now? It was hard to put my thoughts into words, so I just rambled. Not sure what I said or what he heard. And in those moments it isn’t my job to make sure he heard anything, really. That is part of the problem. I work real hard to be sure everyone else is ok. Yes, I do many things in the name of self-care, but my depression is like a low level hum in the background that sucks any reserve of energy I have. The preoccupation of “what will others think?” doesn’t leave much room for anything else. Sometimes I get used to the hum and forget that it’s there. Other times it feels like nails on a chalkboard and I can feel the gnawing in my bones. Sleep is often a good way to get the hum to quiet down, but it never really goes away. And the more I sleep, the harder it is to stay awake.
‘Sleep’ and ‘awake’ can be literal or figurative here.
I can literally get 8+ hours of sleep, nap for 3 hours the following day, and then not miss a beat going to bed that night by 9pm. I will likely get another 8+ hours of sleep and still wake up the next morning tired. When your soul is tired, there is no amount of sleep that will help you feel rested.
I might be upright, eyes open, appearing to be awake, but my presence of mind is questionable during these times of depression. Am I here? Here with you? Or just taking up space while my thoughts take up any space that I might want for you, but I just can’t spare it during these times. I couldn’t will it or force it if I tried. But there isn’t much energy to try, so a shell of who I am is what the world gets.
The gnarly shit in my life has been what allows me to connect with others. I had a sponsor who used to challenge my inauthenticity. “People don’t relate to perfect.” She would sometimes use the word “phony” which made me crazy. But she was right. When I was putting on a happy face, or swimming in “false cheerfulness” and striving for perfection, I was pushing you away from me. With the same force as if I was shoving you away from me. Like the mean kid on the playground. Which was ironic because that is the opposite of what I am trying to achieve. I desperately want connection. And it is what I struggle with most on any given day.
And so, I am currently on hold with my healthcare provider waiting to see when I can start mental health IOP treatment. My psychiatrist approved me to start treatment last week, but she told me to anticipate a wait due to how many people were seeking mental health treatment right now. A pang of guilt rips through my body. What if I take someone’s spot who is having a harder time than I am right now? I don’t want to be a burden on an already overwhelmed and under-resourced system. I gently ask the conditioned parts of myself to be brave and move forward with my request for help. This is scary, I know. But we can do hard things. And there is no better time than right now.