Empty

9.23.21

Empty. But filled with it. Full of emptiness. The absence of something. Filled with a void-a space of nothing. How is that? The emptiness is maddening. The paradox is maddening.

The darkness can feel welcome and inviting, but that is a lie. Alluring might be more accurate. It beckons. A protective cloak that allows shame to remain hidden. Buried deep so that no one can see. Not even me. Especially me. A true disconnection from reality. If I can’t see it, is it really there?

The disconnect from life can masquerade as relief. A ‘melting into nothingness’ kind of relief. That is a lie, too. Checking out allows a break. How many times have I felt like “I just need a break.” But this break is different. It is not the anticipation of a vacation, a planning with excitement. There is no “aaaahhh” exhale. It resonates more with a 911 call. Its abrupt. Urgent. Fueled by crisis. Desperate.

Desperation. A gift? A curse? Neither? Just a fact? A measurement? Its difficult to imagine desperation as anything but fraught with emotional turmoil. Frenetic energy that has been put on ice.

Death and dying. Is it death, like the end? Or death, like the transition that comes with the beauty of autumn? A phase of letting go, or a metamorphosis, creating space for something new.

Back to space. What is there? What will you put there?